If you have been around these parts of the internet for a while, you will know, I am usually someone who posts fairly consistently but since the start of the year, I have probably a handful of blog posts on this blog. I thought it was about time I chatted about why and why it is ok.
To give it some context back in November, I was a lot clearer about the direction I wanted to take my writing and in turn the plans I had for this blog come 2020. I had just started a new job so I wanted to give myself time to adjust to a new place, people, and routine – all of which can be mentally exhausting but it didn’t really go to plan. My grandmother became ill towards the end of the year and in January she passed away so naturally, things changed. The few weeks following her death while I was getting on with life, I was essentially a zombie.
I wanted to write something that made me feel. There had been a couple of times where I had opened my laptop hoping to write but the words seemed frivolous. Nothing I typed seemed worth sharing and in turn, I gave up for a while. Writing, in particular this blog, has always been my saviour particularly when I have been at my lowest. It had given me purpose, a reason to wake up in the morning. It gave me something to focus on. I think the reason for this is because I was putting all my energy into the other areas of my life to the extent when I got home at the end of the day or tried to feel something my spending time with friends, I actually did not have much energy left in me to write.
Just when I was starting to feel like myself again, the pandemic happened and my world shifted so suddenly. I moved back home just before lockdown and my free time changed yet again. The hour or two of my own guilt-free time would have usually been spent gaining energy to write but instead, my mind needed those moments to escape my head and my thoughts. It didn’t need to think more or be coherent. Our minds are muscles that need to expand and relax regularly.
Part of my reason for not writing is also the lack of inspiration. I am not going to pretend I am living some lockdown perfect life. quite the contrary. The internet is a big place and if I am honest, I didn’t feel I had anything of value to bring to the table that wasn’t already from someone better and more articulate than me. I was still learning and adjusting to this new normal myself. I didn’t have any advice to truly share.
The one thing I was writing were diary entries about the lessons I am learning during the pandemic about me and just my overall observations. This wasn’t necessarily intended as something to share with others as it was a cathartic release for my own sanity. A way to process my own thoughts and feelings during these times. I also wrote morning thoughts on Instagram to help me essentially word vomit and share my thoughts with you all in a way that wasn’t in a blog post.
I also felt a bit of guilt. Over the years I made the conscious decision to step away from the laptop when I was visiting my parents and for the most part, this worked. It meant I did what I needed to do before I got here and anything extra I just woke up early and did before the rest of the house woke up. Transitioning back to spending time on the laptop instead of watching a film with the family harks back to the early days of this blog with my parents wondering what the hell I was actually doing.
It took me a while to comes to terms with this. I spent the first few weeks thinking I should have been at my most creative but the truth is the more I tried to force it, the more nothing would come to me.
I have felt like a shell of a person for most of 2020. I am starting to feel human again and the most human I am feeling, the most heart I can bring back to this corner of the internet.
If you can relate to any of this I just want to say I am giving you a big virtual hug and want you to know, you are not alone.