It is fair to say the last few months have been a life-changing experience, to say the least. When we went into lockdown, I knew things would change but the one thing I wasn’t expecting was the amount I would learn about myself. As someone who is rather self-aware (A bit too self-aware in some cases) there was still a lot about myself I needed to face up too and untangle so I wrote them down. Here is a little insight in to my lockdown diaries.
The source of my validation
This isn’t new. In fact, it is something I was thinking about back in December but the lockdown has really made me aware of the way I seek validation. As a woman in her twenties, I still wrap my validation around my parents and their perception. Growing older as someone who can reach my own conclusions this just gets more complicated and can result in some awkward feelings.
I put too much pressure on myself
I mean I knew I put pressure on myself but I didn’t realise the different ways this infiltrated my life. I assumed it was just around my career or how I spend my time but I realised it goes a little more deeper than that and can affect my reaction to certain situations. Realising this means I can work on myself and be mindful of my feelings in certain situations.
I am a loner but also I am not
There was a time I thought I was a classic introvert and while I do have introvert tendencies I also like social interaction from time to time. An ambivert if you will. The past few months have really made me aware of how much of a hugger I am and how accustomed I am to seeing different people on a regular basis. I also realised I need my own space from time to time and that is ok.
I really like routine
I like knowing what my day will look like. When you are living with others in such confined spaces and trying to navigate a new way to work while trying to keep people happy, it can be challenging. At the start especially my day to day looked very different. Partially, because I didn’t take control of my own day and time especially on the weekends. It takes time to find a balance and while I wouldn’t say I have it down to a tee, I certainly feel a lot more stable and settled now. In fact, something which worries me is trying to figure out how to navigate life again once life resumes.
I used to think I would love working from home. That working from home would be my happy place but during this time when it is not an option I have realised how much I miss speaking to my colleagues face to face. Asking them how their day is and just general office banter and connection. While I will be happy having the odd day working from home I will not take going into the office for granted again.
When I feel confronted I retreat
If I feel attacked or like a conversation feels aggressive/ leading to a confrontation my initial response is usually to retreat. I am such a native people pleaser any form of confrontation physically hurts me to the point it will spoil the rest of my day. It is something I need to work on.
Cooking at home has introduced me to a series of flavours I didn’t know could make such a difference. My initiation into cooking has been predominately self-taught so being around my mother and sister who cook slightly differently has opened my eyes to different flavour combinations and I have become a more interesting cook because of it.
The past few months have been incredibly interesting for all of us. We are learning more about ourselves and while it may not always be nice and pretty I do think it will ultimately make us do the work to give ourselves the peace and contentment we are searching for.